Bullying: How to Help Our Children

They slammed her against the locker. Victoria was trembling and her eyes were rimmed with tears. The other girls kicked at her legs and screamed in her ears. Victoria collapsed beside the locker, her arms over her head. She wondered where help was. Why wasn't anyone in the school helping her?

Victoria's locker was down a long hall that didn't get much traffic. Usually she was one of few girls to venture down the hall alone. If she yelled out, the other girls would probably strike her.

She didn't know what she had done. Yes, she was shy and usually kept to herself. But just because she didn't talk much didn't mean they should be taunting her. She heard verbal slurs and false accusations nearly every day. Victoria didn't know what she was going to do, but she couldn't keep coming to school. She might be killed.

The bullies retreated when a teacher passed the hallway. The teacher said nothing but stared in Victoria's direction. The group disbanded and Victoria scrambled up. She ran down the hall and out the door.

In a neighboring school, ten-year-old John is heckled by several school mates. John stutters and is receiving speech therapy. A new classmate, Ross has just moved to John's school. He is a large boy with an attitude. On his first day Ross pushed a child off the bus seat so he could sit in that row. The day Ross hears John stutter he decides to make John look like a fool. Ross taunts him with verbal slurs, calling him retard and stupid. Ross follows John whenever he can, standing behind in the lunch line, watching him in the bathroom, jostling him on the playground.

Ross gets a few other school pals to help him tease John. Soon there are several children making John feel useless and scared. No one gets involved. John's teacher believes that the children should work out their differences. She stands by and does nothing.

In the middle school across town, an eighth grader is transferred to a new class. Jackie is above the rest of this class intellectually, and knows all the answers to the quiz questions. She isn't afraid to raise her hand and to have the teacher call on her for her opinion. Jackie volunteers to help her science teacher with special projects and offers to clean the room after class. Several other kids notice, and decide to make Jackie's life unbearable.

One day Jackie goes to her locker and finds all of her family photos cut-up. Her books and folders have been strewn about and she's missing her library card. Dismayed she goes to the school office and reports the incident. School officials say they will investigate but after several days, another incident occurs. Jackie finds her gym clothes shredded and her gym bag burned.

After a week Jackie tells her science teacher what has happened. The teacher, instead of turning away, asks Jackie to tell her more. She asks if Jackie knows who is responsible. Jackie nods. The next day the science teacher holds a different kind of class. She talks about bullying. She also offers up a group discussion for the next three days.

On the third day, one of Jackie's bullies tells the class her parents are getting a divorce and she cries. The teacher has made a break-through. She has begun what Lynne Lang, BJC’s School Outreach & Youth Development Curriculum Specialist, describes as emotional intelligence.

Ms. Lang, believes that we must get in touch with the emotional sides of our children in order to stop the act of bullying.

Emotions color everything we do. Whether we are happy or sad, mad or depressed, emotions make us who we are. They also push us in ways we may not predict. Take for example, you've just found out that your favorite uncle is dying of cancer. You've learned this as you walk out the door for work. During the drive, your mind shuffles this information. You don't cry because you're headed for work and it's an unwritten rule that you don't express your feelings while you're working. So you hold it all in for six, seven, eight hours. As you leave the parking lot to head home, another car cuts in front of you. You slam on the brakes and start cursing. You even raise your hand in an angry gesture. You drive home fuming mad at the other driver.

EMOTIONS

This leads you to screeching into the driveway, pouring a drink, and throwing some dinner on the table. Your anger has replaced your fear and sadness. Not only aren't you actively thinking about your uncle, you've almost forgotten the news.

The closing of your emotions has guided you towards a path of violence instead of down a path of grief. If you had taken the time to cry, or discuss it, perhaps the proceeding events would not have occurred. If someone had noticed you were upset and had taken the time to ask you what was wrong, perhaps you could have let the tears flow despite the workplace. Talking and sharing could have stopped you from doing something destructive and hurtful.

Most bullies, Ms. Lang believes suffer from low self-esteem. Those kids who feel the worst about themselves often spread their own self-loathing onto others in order to make themselves seem better than the other guy.

Having a lack of social support is another characteristic bullies often posses. If a child feels they can not rely on their family to discuss problems with, they are left with a giant void. They are also left to handle all of their pent-up feelings by themselves. This often leads to destructive behavior.

SIMPLY LISTEN

The ability to listen is a great asset to possess. If we take the time to listen to our children, we are offering them some of our finest moments. By listening we are saying that they matter to us and that we care what they care about. We may also be able to supply them with new tools regarding problem solving. Asking your children what they are angry about can lead them towards a brighter tomorrow. Offering ourselves as sounding boards could be the biggest break-through in bully management. 

According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, 30% of students between the 6th and 10th grades are involved in some form of bullying. In this statistic, a bully is represented as; the victim, the bully themselves, or as both the abused and the abuser. To break that down further, one out of four kids are bullied, by their peers, according to the American Justice Department.

During the school year, 8% of students will miss one day of class per month due to their fear of being bullied. A lot of children who are bullied are most afraid of abuse while in the restroom. When you think about it, restrooms can be a prime spot for bullying. They are usually not attended by school staff, there have stalls which are small, segragrated spaces and the rooms normally have no windows.

One study done in 2000 and 2001 showed that 39% of children attending middle school felt unsafe at school. Of high schoolers, 36% claimed to feel the same fears as their younger cohorts.

In a study performed by the National Institute of Health in 2001, research showed that many of the children who are bullied feel lonely or have trouble making friends. These children begin to feel more isolated as time goes by, especially if they are victims of bullying. Other children who may have empathy for the victim, or who may even want to become friends with the victim, often shy away in fear they will become the next targets of the bullies.

It should come as no surprise that most bullies, if they are not gotten the help they need, often become involved in worse crimes as they get older. Many criminals today, were once bullies growing up. Bullies often engage in other destructive behaviors such as alcoholic consumption, drug use, and smoking.

Bullying can be verbal or physical. Name calling, excluding the victim from social gatherings, spreading vile rumors, making fun of their appearance or attitudes are frequent examples of how words can hurt. Physical bullying involves the obvious; hitting, punching, kicking and out-right attacking the victim with others present or while alone.

Drawing by: Lynne Letchworth 2010 copyright