Abuse Against Women--Stop the Madness
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Model Tells Her Abuse Story
Recently, Oprah Winfrey talked about spousal abuse. With the current news that singer, Rihanna was attacked by her boyfriend, Chris Brown, it was a perfect opportunity for super model Tyra Banks to share her own story about being in an abusive relationship.
Of course abuse covers many spectrums, and for women it is not just about spousal abuse but also about the men we date, the men we know, and the men we associate with. A teenager in Oprah's audience that day, was skeptical of some of the talk. She seemed to think there was a reason to stay with someone who beats you, or manipulates you.
Banks entered in and said she was emotionally abused while in her twenties by a boyfriend. She was a top ten model at the time, and she said she still needed additional validation, so she left one bad relationship for another. She remarked that the second guy was great in front of friends and family members, smiling, laughing, joking, but behind the scenes was vile and degrading. His snide comments and instruction helped feed Banks’ low self-esteem.
Finally one day, Banks said she looked into a mirror and said aloud, “Tyra who are you? What the hell are you doing? Get out of here.” That conversation with herself spurred her to leave her abuser. But it was not a quick goodbye. She said you have to have a plan to get out. For her, that meant two months of preparation.
Statistics
It is estimated that 2 in 3 women know their assailants. During an average year, between 500,000-600,000 women will be victims of a violent attack by someone they know intimately. This is a frightening number. What’s even more frightening is that approximately 25-30% of adolescent girls are partaking in an abusive situation.
So, how do you know you are in an abusive relationship, especially if you have been with someone for awhile and they seemed like the best man walking when you first started dating? When a man loses his temper and jumps to the wrong conclusion over and over again, how do you know it's not fixable? How do you know for sure he won't improve one day?
Women are fixers. We think we can correct what is broken and mend what is injured. We focus on the future, knowing deep-down that we can make a difference to one wounded man’s heart. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Probably most women have experienced this emotion once in their lives, even if they were not emotionally tied to a special someone.
While the quality is admirable and commendable, we have to try and remind ourselves that we are not responsible for a man’s actions. If a man is broken enough to hit, slap, insult, or rape, it is not our responsibility to fix him.
Signs
If you or someone you know is debating whether or not you need to remove yourself from a current relationship, here are some of the common warning signs that you are involved with an abuser:
- Does your mate tell you where you can go?
- Does he insult you about beliefs you hold dear like religion or race?
- Are you told who you are allowed to talk to?
- Are you kept from family members or friends?
- Is he calling you names?
- If he forcing sex?
- Does he ignore your feelings and berate you?
- Does he tell you how to dress and what clothes you can wear?
- Has he threatened you?
- Does he punish you by withholding affection?
Getting Help
If you are ready to leave a physical or emotionally abusive relationship, don’t try to do it alone.
Call a local or national help line.
Get advice from the nearest shelter.
Don’t be alone or go to an isolated place by yourself.
Take time to leave if you can. Make a plan by talking to professionals.
Leave immediately if you feel your life is in imminent danger, but find out where to go first so you can stay safe.
Fifty percent of women murdered in the United States are killed by the hands of a spouse or someone they know. Sometimes it’s hard to reach out and ask for help. But our lives are worth it.
Save your life today.
PLACES TO CALL:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Childhelp USA: 1-800-422-4453
LINKS TO CONTACT
- The Riley Center
The Riley Center offers safe and confidential services for any woman in an abusive relationship and her children through the Rosalie House, Brennan House, and the Community Office. - Abuse Victim Hotline - Free help and referrals for victims of abuse
Abuse Victim Hotline is a non-profit agency dedicated to helping victims of abuse by providing preliminary free advice, direction, and counseling.
Writers Share Their Stories
- Dealing with Sexual Abuse
Until I graduated highschool and moved on to my college life, I did not realize how many women had undergone sexual harrassment or abuse. In high school i had always felt alone in my shame of what had... - What is Child Abuse?
I have worked with programs designed to prevent child abuse and other forms of abuse for all ages and genders for over 20 years and will list some signs and indications of abuse here.
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Thanks, I hope so too.
I've long said abusive men (physical *and* mental) should be branded somewhere visible so that women will know to run, not walk, as fast as they can from these charmers in public, monsters in private.
Mental abuse is in some ways worse, because there are no bruises, no physical injuries, nothing to photograph in an ER, making it easy for the *public* gentle man to claim the woman is the nutcase. Mental abuse also takes longer to heal. But abuse is abuse, the man will never stop and the only option is to get away as quickly and *safely* as possible. Period. No going back when he promises to change. Guys like this *never* change, they only get *worse*.
You're right, abuse is abuse. No commas, no question marks, no dashes. Only periods with a capital P.
Hey there Cindy. Think this is your best hub yet. Very informative. Love your writing. Great job. Thanks for the contact links. BlondePoet has a good one too. You may want to check her out and link to it if you think it relates.
very informative hub
Thanks so much.
I also love this hub. I was going out with one girl and she told me her ex-boyfriend used to humiliated her in public. He even slap her sometimes. She couldn't forget him because she told me she lied him with someone else. So she thought It was her fault. I tried to explain her that no matter what she did no one could tough her. I told her If she do the same to me, I will just leave her. She did it too. She lied me. So I left her. Drugs consume our mind, our body, our heart and our lives. I wish her all the best.
I'm glad, the eye, that you left. You are right, drugs destroy. The worst part is the person has to believe that before they stop. Thanks for commenting.
Hi,
thanks for investing your time and energy in this, it's an important cause, and I hope that we can find ways to make help more accessible to those women.
Bob
Thanks, Bob. I agree. Thanks for commenting.
First of all, great hub. This issue has come to light so much more and has sparked more conversations in the wake of Chris' (alleged) assault on Rihanna.
What is missing, however, is the fact that we still blame the victim for the abuse. It is everywhere -- especially now that Rihanna has (seemingly) made the decision to stay with him. People are blaming her, calling her an idiot because they do not understand the cycle of abuse.
It is important that everyone remembers that it takes a domestic abuse victim an average of SEVEN tries before successfully leaving an abuser AND, just after leaving is the most dangerous time for the victim -- something like 80% of all domestic-violence related deaths occur while or immediately after the victim leaves the abuser.
I talk about this a bit in my related hub: http://hubpages.com/hub/Domestic-Violence-NOT-a-Wo
Very good tips. I had a friend that wasn't physically abused but the stalking was torture enough. I never was in it personally but have seen many that were.
thank you for the tips.
Thanks,Carolynn for your comment. Isn't it sad how often the women are blamed in some way? I guess the only problem is, it usually takes the abused to make the move out, in order for the abuse to stop.
Thanks, RGraf for commenting. Stalking is awful. I hope your friend is safe now.
I appreciate you stopping by my site.
Very true, very well written Cindy!
Many women who've experienced abuse are starting to voice their experiences. Ages ago, it was considered a hushed up family problem, or considered as though the women had asked for it - not his fault.
Thanks SEM Pro for sharing and visiting my site.
Thank you for the advice you have given Cindy. I am trying to get up the strength to talk to the right person about my experiences.
Great advice for anyone else going through it.
I'm glad you stopped by boozy3112. If you feel like talking here, hubbers are great listeners.
Thanks this is a very serious issue among women young and old. The Chris Brown situation allowed us to take a closer look at domestic abuse once again. Although it brought about much needed attention, as quickly as it came, it has gone. So it is very important that we continue to fight this fight and by writing the hub you gave good imformation and hopefully anyone who is dealing with spousal abuse and reads this hub will seek help.
Thanks for stopping by LPinky, and leaving such nice fan mail. You are right, it does seem that the talk about abuse has faded fast despite the fact that it happens every day. Keeping it in the forefront is paramount. I appreciate your support.
Excellent hub, very informative, and well written!
Excellent hub, very informative, and well written!
Thanks, fountainyouth!
This hub is so helpful for me. My mother as married to my dad for 20 plus years and he was very abusive mentally. So much so that I rebelled and ran away at 16 years old to get away from from him too. I came back in a week for my mom and my younger sibling. My parents devorced a couple of years later. My mom remarried after 20 years, because she was so beaten don from my dad. Now she is right back in a bad abusive relationship. He fits all of the signs that you show above. I am lucky to even see my mom but only 1 time a month. I try to call her everyday, but as soon as he comes into the room or comes back to the car she has to hang up quickly. The worst thing happened on Mother's Day. We met at the local park and he had to come. He was so rude to me and my mom, my dogs barked a few times at other dogs and he blew up and told my mom, How wwould you like it if someone hit you in the head? My mom said she didn't even hear him, I think she ignores him so often, that she blocks him out or she is in denyal. He sat way away from us but he kept coming back with more rude comments. We could only spend 3 hours together. I could tell she was getting very anxious. Shw kept looking over to see where he was and said oh, I better go. He was already really made that we were spending any time together. he was very jelous of me and that I was taking her attention from him. I told her again that he is a very abusive man and that she should speak with someone or just leave and come and stay with me. She just said there is nothing wrong, he just has an Irish Temper...My mom and I are both Irish/Scotch but we don't have bad tempers. She called me 2 hours later and said they had had a very bad argument and she was going to be packed up tomorrow and come to live with me it was that bad. She has not even been allowed to come to my new olace that I moved to in March. So she doesn't even know where I live...In the background I heard him say "I hate you, You BITCH" to my mom. I told her I will come right now and pick her up. She was trying to be brave ave not let me think he said that to her. One hour later she called and said that she was going to stay with him and they were going to work it out. I am so affraid for her she is 72 years old and he is 82 years old. I have not been able to go over there for over 6 months now It has gotten that bad. He won't even sit and talk with me at all. But I think it is because I see right through him when he talks to my mom and how he has tryed to talk at me in the past. My mom stays I think because financially he takes care of her and I think she loves him very mucjh.. But I believe it is very unheathly love because of they way my dad threated her years ago. She thinks it is ok that she is treated like this to be happy. Does anyone have any suggestions for me to help her get out of a horrible abusive situtuation? Thank You
DJ, thank you for writing. This is a testament to how awful an abusive relationship can be. If I may suggest....please call one of the phone numbers (The National Domestice Hotline may be a good one to start with and it's toll free) I have listed above. These people are trained professionals who can give you help and advice.
I think it is good that you spend as little time as possible around this man. I'm sorry your relationship with your mother has had to suffer because of it, but you are better off without him in your life. No man should put a barrier between a mother and her children.
Encourage your mother to get help and offer her the means to get it. She has lived with this type of situation for a long time and probably does not feel as if she deserves any better. If she refuses to get help, remember that it is not your fault. She has to make the decision herself, because only then will she feel strong enough to leave. I hope she finds the strength to do it. No woman deserves this sort of treatment.
Good luck. I will be thinking about you.
Incredible hub. The abuse has to stop!!!! You are making every effort to see that happens in the near future.Awareness is the key.
Thanks Dream On. I agree that the abuse has to stop. Awareness is definately the key. I appreciate you stopping by my site.
Hi, I'm doing a college research project about abuse toward women. I am very passionate about this, but research is hard to come by because this is such a sensitive topic. So, if you are a female victim of abuse please take the time to do this short 10 question survey before October 21, 2010. It will only take you about 15 minutes but you would be helping me tremendously. Your answers will be completely confidential. Please pass this survey on to others. Thank you very much for your involvement and support. Here is the link:http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/RYFKLWQ
Hi Guys , I am from South Africa .This is a great hub and i already picked alot from here.I am 21 , i have met this guy ,great guy on the outside ,people would never believe me if i say he abuses me.It all started from power and control over me,so much so that now because i can stand on my own two feet he beats me.the other day it happen in front on my friend ! When i say physical abuse is not allowed he laughs and calls me a bitch*
I get out but he keeps coming back to me , I need advice on how to get out and out forever?
Lady d if you are living in South Africa I would recomment seeing if there are any organizations within your area that provides physical safe havens and legal protection.
Having no contact with him is advised but I know that doesn't always work because abusers can find ways to make themselves part of your life despite your efforts.
Don't let this abuse be a secret. Be around other people. Tell them what is happening and try to never be alone with this man.
Your mom is 72. In Texas, its against the law for a senior to be yelled at..It is the Law to report domestic abuse of seniors..Let us know how your mom is dong now!!Thank you for this great hub..I know too well, about domestic abuse, having grown up in this situation..
this is my cry for Filipina women, too, to stop the abuse. though the factors vary in every woman, or situation, a woman should leave the relationship. it is not easy but it must be done.
Thank you Donna.
Thank you bingskee. Keep your appeals strong for women to have strength
hilltrekker 3 years ago
Very informative hub, hope it will help lot of women.
http://hubpages.com/hub/MURDER-OF-THE-BABY